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Oh Dear my Dear !

imageOLD people have problems that you haven'teven considered yet!   

     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
 tomorrow.'   

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared 
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.   

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with 
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
 
 She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.   

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
 and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'  

The doctor was shocked!
 
'You asked your neighbour?'     
   
The old man replied, 
 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'       
                
 
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An Obituary from the London Times


gravestone109833Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. 

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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Proof Reading

textI was always hopeless at proof reading. Seems I wasn't the only one.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

 
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.    

 

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 

      Really? Ya think? 
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 

  ----------------------------------------------------------- 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  
       What a guy!   


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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace  
I can see where it might have that effect! 
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 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 
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EnfieldLondon ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something! 
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?! 
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 ---------------- ---------------------------------  

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
*************************************************** 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
       Boy, are they tall!
 *******************************************  

And the winner is

....
  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
  
     Did I read that right? 
*************************************************** 
  

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Look and Laugh

image002
"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -

You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"


Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in

he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."
 
O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

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This  great piece of video. I just hope its not biogrphical !!   CLICK HERE TO VIEW


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Blackadder explains the euro crisis to Baldrick
 
 
Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were
lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's
only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know
is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
 

 

 

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
 

 

Baldrick: "Yes sir"
 

 

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many
different countries all running their own finances and using different types
of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium ,
Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece
, Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would
be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one
Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy.
This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown
would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
 

 

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".
 

 

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw
with the plan".
 

 

Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"
 

 


Blackadder: "It was bollocks"

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This an interesting piece of film. Some of it may make you smile rather than laugh    CLICK HERE TO VIEW


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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the  British Government c onceded that English spelling had some room for  improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become  known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will  replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump  with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should  klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There  will be growing publik
 enthusiasm in  the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f"..  This will make words like fotograf 20%  shorter. 

In the  3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted  to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are  possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double  letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate  speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the  silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go  away. 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such  as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz  yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from  vords
kontaining "ou"  and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil  sensi bl riten  styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil  find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali  kum tru. 


Und  efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze  forst plas. 



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