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A Selection of Funnies

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"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?"

The irrate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

 
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter..."......well, that explains why no one was at church, either."
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A selection of Boris Johnson's most memorable quotations
On George W Bush
"The President is a cross-eyed Texan warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of American foreign policy."
 
On using a mobile phone while driving
"I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on."
 
On Tony Blair
"It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall."
 
On becoming Prime Minister
"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."
 
On Channel 5
"I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects."
 
On being sacked by Michael Howard
"My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."
 
On how to vote
"Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3."
 
On why he voted for David Cameron as Tory leader
"I'm backing David Cameron's campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest."
 
On drugs
"I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar."
 
On the City of Portsmouth
"Too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."
 
On tennis
"I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around."
 
On the Liberal Democrats
"The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition."

 

 

A FRIEND OF MINE SENT ME THIS - I THINK IT IS A PHOTO TAKEN IN SOUTH AFRICA IN PREPARATION FOR THE GAME

pub sign















QUOTES


  • The pollen count, now that's a difficult job, especially if you have hay fever - Milton Jones
  • I've got my lucky pair of boxer shorts on I've had for 10 years and I'm sticking to them.- Rob Brydon
  • I saw a sign that said "have you seen this man". So I phoned up and said no. - Kevin Bridges
  • Release your potential? Now that's a very bad idea. Leave it alone. It's potential! - Dylan Moran
  • Conjunctivitus. com that's a site for sore eyes - Tim Vine
  • Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosy deosn't try it on - Billy Connolly
  • If God did not intend us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat. - John Cleese
  • I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you - Russell Howard

 PHOTOS TAKEN AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT PHOTOS CLICK HERE.

 

 


Some of you may have seen this. It is very amusing especially in the context of Silverlinks. video

GREAT COACHING

This wee fella has the finest coach in the world who is rumoured to be the next England coach.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edd8ItSpRMs

ELDERLY TRAVEL ( I'M GETTING THERE!)

SENIOR TRAVEL

New . . . For Senior Travel
   
 
 
 Also I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

OLD JOKES HOME

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a
Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an
Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, 
several Americans (including a Hawaiian
and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, 
an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,
a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a
Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,
an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, 
a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an
Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,
an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,
a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,
a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook
Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,
a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a
Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin
Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,
a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,
an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two
Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but
you can't come in here without a Thai."

SMART WOMEN

 

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
  

 

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
  
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
 

 

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Marriage (Part III)

  
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
  
   
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no 
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
  
After some time he realizes he was nasty and 
decides to make amends and rings her up. 
  
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

 

She says, 'I was in bed.'
   
'In bed this early, doing what?'
   
'Getting a second opinion!'
  
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
  
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Marriage (Part IV)
    
  
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  
  
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
  
One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
    
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, 
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
   
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
  
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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
  
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it. 
  
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'
  
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
      
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GOD may have created man before woman, but there 
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
  
 
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